You might’ve noticed that I took a three-month hiatus from blogging at the end of 2018. (You also might not have noticed because, like me, it’s more difficult for you to tell that something is missing when you aren’t actively looking at it. 😬) This wasn’t a planned thing, but it felt necessary for me, and I wanted to talk a bit about my absence and my plans going forward.
(A note that I’m going to be going into some depression-y stuff here just a bit — it won’t be that deep of a discussion, but I wanted to mention it up-front.)
I realized in the last quarter of 2018 that I was more depressed than I had thought I was — I had so many things going well for me, and I guess that having good things happening for me tricked my brain into thinking I was actually happy when I wasn’t. I wasn’t enjoying things anymore, and I just kind of crashed at the end of the year… On the one hand I wasn’t pressuring myself to get things done and that was kind of nice, but on the other hand I wasn’t doing much of anything, and that was really difficult because I need stimulation in order to keep myself moving and I wasn’t really getting that from anything. I had a bit of an upswing during the first eight days of 2019, and then I hit a low point again and I’m trying to level my moods back out now. It’s difficult.
I’ve never had much of a “schedule” for this blog, and after the last few months I’m thinking that I need to continue not having a real schedule for a while. I’m going to aim to post twice per week for a while to see how that goes, and then later in the year I’ll reassess to see if I want to make any changes. I’m really behind on reviews right now because I’ve been so stressed and I haven’t been reading all that much and writing has been even more difficult for me.
I’m working on getting myself back in check — I have a monthly ARC checklist in my bullet journal that I’m going to try to stick to, and I’m hoping to catch myself back up because I have a LOT of fantastic ARCs on my iPad that are just waiting for me to devour them right now. I also just have a lot of leftover 2018 ARCs that I haven’t read, and a lot that I HAVE read but have struggled with reviewing. I don’t think that putting this kind of pressure on myself has been helping me, and I’m trying to get myself to relax a little more and stress a little less about this.
Also, in 2019 I really want to focus on drafting out my novel. I’ve had this story in my head for over a year now and I know where I want it to go, but I’m having trouble getting the words down. I started trying the silly “writing in Comic Sans” trick during my last writing session and for whatever reason it seems to be working, so I’m going to be trying that out for a while.
My other writing-related goal for this year is that I want to attend the Rainbow Weekend workshop at The Writing Barn, but I don’t feel that this is likely to happen because I don’t have a lot to show for myself in terms of writing, and I honestly feel kind of ashamed. My lack of any creative writing in the last several years is trauma-related and I know that this isn’t my fault, but I’m still blaming myself. I’d like to go to the workshop to try to break myself out of this slump I’m in and to try to write in a new place and reinvigorate myself, but even if I’ve done enough to actually get accepted the only way I’d be able to afford to go is with a scholarship, and that’s even less likely to happen because I don’t feel like I “look” serious enough to actually get one. I’m going to work on things and see if I can get myself situated to where I can apply, but I don’t feel hopeful.
I’m hoping to do more non-review blog posts this year and to try to do more collaborative things than I did last year — I have been feeling really lonely, and I think I need a tighter community around me at this point. Interacting with people is a challenge, and I feel very distant from most people and like most people are keeping their distance from me, and I want more engagement… More interaction… More feedback… More friends… More. Support goes a long way, and I think I need more of it than I have in the past.
Overall, I’m going to try to let my creative instincts drive me this year. I don’t know where they’re going to take me or what will happen, but I need it. It could take me a while to get my footing, but I’ll get it. I just need to keep at it.
Thank you so much for your support, and I hope we can have an amazing 2019 together!